She waded through life
Searching for answers;
He reminded her,
She was the question.
~ Meena Rose
Have you been seeking lately or perhaps searching? Have you examined what it is you are looking for? Has a sense of disquiet swept through you prompting you to take action?
I have definitely been through the paces here. There seems to be a rhythmic cadence to the prompt to wander and explore and seek and search. Whatever the trigger, without fail I have often found myself in this process and had not recognized its cyclical nature. Rather I have railed against it and had grown quite exasperated at the relentlessness of the process.
The central thrust of these searches had always centered on self identity and personal purpose. Perhaps, these were but forays at gleaning a deeper insight into how I plugged into the larger matrix of humanity and life. Perhaps, it is no different than what drives the astrophysicists to comprehend how planet Earth plugs into the larger fabric of the universe. Ultimately, it satisfies my innate human trait – to rationalize.
Recently, I have found myself confronting a large life event. What had been a constant over the last 13 years no longer is. Transition, adjustment, and reaffirmation of identity and personal relevance has been the highlight of my summer. This was a period of sink or float. This was a period of profound insight. This was a period of extreme anxiety and pristine calm. This was a period of surrender to a process larger than anything my ego had ever dealt with.
With that surrender came the undeniable recognition that key individuals in my life along with key events with random strangers have actively helped form the question. This is the question which I had been seeking for the better part of my entire life: How will I know that I have made a difference? How will I know that my existence was a sound investment in the larger scheme of things?
Now I can begin to answer these questions. The engineer within me is thrilled that continued personal development can resume in a systematically meaningful way. The philosopher within me is more than content to ponder age old angst under a new light for there will be fresher inner dialog. The poet within me will continue to shed light on the journey.
From a tactical perspective, yes, this means I have worked on a plan to be able to write and contribute here with greater consistency. In the end, any plan can go awry but I am stepping forward now and resuming my writer’s role in this new episode of my life. Thank you all for your patience around my extended absence.